Halifax (n.)

The green synthetic astroturf on which greengrocers display their vegetables.

Halifax

Osbaston (n.)

A point made for the seventh time to somebody who insists that they know exactly what you mean but clearly hasn't got the faintest idea.

Osbaston

Ainsworth (n.)

The length of time it takes to get served in a camera shop. Hence, also, how long we will have to wait for the abolition of income tax or the Second Coming.

Ainsworth

Ludlow (n.)

A wad of newspaper, folded table-napkin or a lump of cardboard put under a wobbly table or chair to make it stand up straight.
It is perhaps not widely known that air-ace Sir Douglas Bader used to get about on an enormous pair of ludlows before he had his artificial legs fitted.

Ludlow

Spofforth (vb.)

To tidy up a room before the cleaning lady arrives.

Spofforth

Dorchester (n.)

A throaty cough by someone else so timed as to obscure the crucial part of the rather amusing remark you've just made.

Dorchester

Ullock (n.)

The correct name for either of the deaf Scandinavian tourists who are standing two abreast in front of you on the escalator.

Ullock

Jawcraig (n. medical)

A massive facial spasm which is brought on by being told a really astonishing piece of news.
A mysterious attack of jawcraig affected 40,000 sheep in Wales in 1952.

Jagcraig

Listowel (n.)

The small mat on the bar designed to be more absorbent than the bar, but not as absorbent as your elbows.

Listowel

Harbottle (n.)

A particular kind of fly which lives inside double glazing.

Harbottle

Worksop (n.)

A person who never actually gets round to doing anything because he spends all his time writing out lists headed 'Things to Do (Urgent)'.

Worksop

Naugatuck (n.)

A plastic sachet containing shampoo, polyfilla, etc., which is impossible to open except by biting off the corners.

Naugatuck

Flimby (n.)

One of those irritating handle-less slippery translucent plastic bags you get in supermarkets which, no matter how you hold them, always contrive to let something fall out.

Flimby

Tolob (n.)

A crease or fold in an underblanket, the removal of which involves getting out of bed and largely remaking it.

Tolob

Zeal Monachorum (n.)

(Skiing term.) To ski with 'zeal monachorum' is to descend the top three quarters of the mountain in a quivering blue funk, but on arriving at the gentle bit just in front of the restaurant to whizz to a stop like a victorious slalom-champion.

Zeal Monachorum

Vancouver (n.)

The technical name for one of those huge trucks with whirling brushes on the bottom used to clean streets.

Vancouver

Ibstock (n.)

Anything used to make a noise on a corrugated iron wall or clinker-built fence by dragging it along the surface while walking past it. 'Mr Bennett thoughtfully selected a stout ibstock and left the house.' - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, II.

Ibstock

Quedgeley (n.)

A rabidly left-wing politician who can afford to be that way because he married a millionairess.

Quedgeley

Cromarty (n.)

The brittle sludge which clings to the top of ketchup bottles and plastic tomatoes in nasty cafés.

Cromarty

Pimperne (n.)

One of those rubber nodules found on the underneath side of a lavatory seat.

Pimperne

Epping (participial vb.)

The futile movements of forefingers and eyebrows used when failing to attract the attention of waiters and barmen.

Epping

Milwaukee (n.)

The melodious whistling, chanting and humming tone of the milwaukee can be heard whenever a public lavatory is entered. It is the way the occupants of the cubicles have of telling you there's no lock on their door and you can't come in.

Milwaukee

Brumby (n.)

The fake antique plastic seal on a pretentious whisky bottle.

Brumby

Scosthrop (vb.)

To make vague opening or cutting movements with the hands when wandering about looking for a tin opener, scissors, etc., in the hope that this will help in some way.

Scosthrop

Goadby Marwood (n.)

Someone who stops John Cleese on the street and demands that he does a funny walk.

Goadby Marwood

Ockle (n.)

An electrical switch which appears to be off in both positions.

Ockle

Yonkers (n.)

(Rare.) The combined thrill of pain and shame when being caught in public plucking your nostril-hairs and stuffing them into your side-pocket.

Yonkers

Duleek (n.)

Sudden realisation, as you lie in bed waiting for the alarm to go off, that it should have gone off an hour ago.

Duleek

Ramsgate (n.)

All institutional buildings must, by law, contain at least twenty ramsgates.
These are doors which open the opposite way to the one you expect.

Ramsgate

Kimmeridge (n.)

The light breeze which blows through your armpit hair when you are stretched out sunbathing.

Kimmeridge