Thursday, June 30, 2011

Ventnor (n.)

One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being able to operate the air-nozzles above aeroplane seats.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Liff (n.)

A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will change your life'.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Kurdistan (n.)

Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry, wrong number.'


Monday, June 27, 2011

Aberbeeg (vb.)

Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent is considered sufficient).


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Wigan (n.)

If, when talking to someone you know has only one leg, you're trying to treat then perfectly casually and normally, but find to your horror that your conversion is liberally studded with references to (a) Long John Silver, (b) Hopalong Cassidy, (c) The Hockey Cokey, (d) 'putting your foot in it', (e) 'the last leg of the UEFA competition', you are said to have committed a wigan.
 The word is derived from the fact that sub-editors at ITN used to manage to mention the name of either the town Wigan, or Lord Wigg, in every fourth script that Reginald Bosanquet was given to read.


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Bedfont (n.)

A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the chamber-maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your bottom sheet.


Friday, June 24, 2011

Margate (n.)

A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every day and is on cheerful first-name terms with you, then one day refuses to let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.


Thursday, June 23, 2011

Epworth (n.)

The precise value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not be understood in Cleveland.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Naples (pl.n.)

The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.


Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Valletta (n.)

On ornate head-dress or loose garment worn by a person in the belief that it renders then invisibly native and not like a tourist at all. People who don huge colonial straw collie hats with 'I Luv Lagos' on them in Nigeria, or fat solicitors from Tonbridge on holiday in Malaya who insist on appearing in the hotel lobby wearing a sarong know what we're on about.


Monday, June 20, 2011

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Throcking (participial vb.)

The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something.
 Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.


Saturday, June 18, 2011

Agglethorpe (n.)

A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.


Friday, June 17, 2011

Buldoo (n.)

A virulent red-coloured pus which generally accompanies clonmult (q.v.) and sandberge (q.v.)


Thursday, June 16, 2011

Papcastle (n.)

Something drawn or modelled by a small child which you are supposed to know what it is.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Jarrow (adj.)

An agricultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Harbledown (vb.)

To manoeuvre a double mattress down a winding staircase.


Monday, June 13, 2011

Sadberge (n.)

A violent green shrub which is ground up, mixed with twigs and gelatine and served with clonmult (q.v.) and buldoo (q.v.) in a container referred to for no known reason as a 'relish tray'.


Sunday, June 12, 2011

Glinsk (n.)

A hat which politicians but to go to Russia in.


Saturday, June 11, 2011

Corriedoo (n.)

The crucial moment of false recognition in a long passageway encounter.
Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is approaching, they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now look up with a glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the first time, (and are particularly delighted to have done so) shouting out 'Haaaaaallllloooo!' as if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all people! Will I never. Coo. Stab me vitals, etc.'


Friday, June 10, 2011

Rochester (n.)

One who is able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of their cinema or aircraft seat.


Thursday, June 9, 2011

Grimsby (n.)

A lump of something gristly and foultasting concealed in a mouthful of stew or pie.
 Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons.
Grimbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed correct masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the obnoxious object.
It may be
 (a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes.
 (b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a),
 (c) choked on fatally.
 The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand.
 The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows : remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Iping (participial vb.)

The increasingly anxious shifting from leg to leg you go through when you are desperate to go to the lavatory and the person you are talking to keeps on remembering a few final things he want to mention.


Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Edgbaston (n.)

The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken down. No one knows how this charming old custom originated or how long it will continue.


Monday, June 6, 2011

Ullapool (n.)

The spittle which builds up on the floor of the orchestra pit of the Royal Opera House.


Sunday, June 5, 2011

Farrancassidy (n.)

A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.


Saturday, June 4, 2011

Maentwrog (n. Welsh)

Celtic word for a computer spelling mistake.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

Kentucky (adv.)

Fitting exactly and satisfyingly.
  The cardboard box that slides neatly into an exact space in a garage, or the last book which exactly fills a bookshelf, is said to fit 'real nice and kentucky'.


Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Bilbster (n.)

A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with sticking plaster and pretend you've cut yourself shaving.