Monday, October 31, 2011

Dungeness (n.)

The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.


Sunday, October 30, 2011

Sligo (n.)

An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous films stars get up to in private. 'To commit slingo.'


Saturday, October 29, 2011

Pevensey (n. archaic)

The right to collect shingle from the king's foreshore.


Friday, October 28, 2011

Clabby (adj.)

A 'clabby' conversation is one stuck up by a commissionaire or cleaning lady in order to avoid any further actual work. The opening gambit is usually designed to provoke the maximum confusion, and therefore the longest possible clabby conversation. It is vitally important to learn the correct, or 'clixby' (q.v.), responses to a clabby gambit, and not to get trapped by a 'ditherington' (q.v.). For instance, if confronted with a clabby gambit such as 'Oh, mr Smith, I didn't know you'd had your leg off', the ditherington response is 'I haven't....' whereas the clixby is 'good'.


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Fovant (n.)

A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Trispen (n.)

A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Nantwich (n.)

A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping.


Monday, October 24, 2011

Meeth (n.)

Something which American doctors will shortly tell us we are all suffering from.


Sunday, October 23, 2011

Kirby misperton (n.)

One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.

Kirby misperton

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Kettering (n.)

The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.


Friday, October 21, 2011

Everscreech (n.)

The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm queue-barger.


Thursday, October 20, 2011

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Boolteens (pl. n.)

The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.


Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Aith (n.)

The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.


Monday, October 17, 2011

Yaddlethorpe (vb.)

(Of offended pooves.) To exit huffily from a boutique.


Sunday, October 16, 2011

Oundle (vb.)

To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging one leg behind the other. Most commonly used by actors in amateur production of Richard III, or by people carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand.


Saturday, October 15, 2011

Limerigg (vb.)

To jar one's leg as the result of the disappearance of a stair which isn't there in the darkness.


Friday, October 14, 2011

Darenth (n.)

Measure = 0.0000176 mg. Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one hundred slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Aboyne (vb.)

To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Clixby (adj.)

Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative.


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Keele (adj.)

The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.


Monday, October 10, 2011

Whasset (n.)

A business card in you wallet belonging to someone whom you have no recollection of meeting.


Sunday, October 9, 2011

Snitter (n.)

One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.


Saturday, October 8, 2011

Quenby (n.)

A stubborn spot on a window which you spend twenty minutes trying to clean off before discovering it's on the other side of the glass.


Thursday, October 6, 2011

Corriecravie (n.)

To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which both protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence that they haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their feet, grimacing into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if in a mood of deep irritation.


Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Gastard (n.)

Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)


Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Tampa (n.)

The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.


Monday, October 3, 2011

Lossiemouth (n.)

One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant handlebar moustache.


Sunday, October 2, 2011

Dunboyne (n.)

The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.