Monday, October 1, 2012

Ardcrony (n.)

A remote acquaintance passed off as 'a very good friend of mine' by someone trying to impress people.

Sunday, September 30, 2012

Symond’s Yat (n.)

The little spoonful inside the lid of a recently opened boiled egg.

Symond’s Yat

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Hunsingore (n.)

Medieval ceremonial brass horn with which the successful execution of an araglin (q.v.) is trumpeted from the castle battlements.


Friday, September 28, 2012

Trantlemore (vb.)

To make a noise like a train crossing a set of points.


Thursday, September 27, 2012

Beccles (n.)

The small bone buttons placed in bacon sandwiches by unemployed guerrilla dentist.


Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Scraptoft (n.)

The absurd flap of hair a vain and balding man grows long above one ear to comb it to the other ear.


Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Monday, September 24, 2012

Burlingjobb (n.archaic)

A seventeenth-century crime by which excrement is thrown into the street from a ground-floor window.


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Pudsey (n.)

The curious-shaped flat wads of dough left on a kitchen table after someone has been cutting scones out of it.


Saturday, September 22, 2012

Skenfrith (n.)

The flakes of athlete's foot found inside socks.


Friday, September 21, 2012

Botusfleming (n. medical)

A small, long-handled steel trowel used by surgeons to remove the contents of a patient's nostrils prior to a sinus operation.


Thursday, September 20, 2012

Huttoft (n.)

The fibrous algae which grows in the dark, moist environment of trouser turn-ups.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Swanibost (adj.)

Complete shagged out after a hard day having income tax explained to you.


Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Dolgellau (n.)

The clump, or cluster, of bored, quietly enraged, mildly embarrassed men waiting for their wives to come out of a changing room in a dress shop.


Monday, September 17, 2012

Budby (n.)

A nipple clearly defined through flimsy or wet material.


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Lubcroy (n.)

The telltale little lump in the top of your swimming trunks which tells you you are going to have to spend half an hour with a safety pin trying to pull the drawstring out again.


Saturday, September 15, 2012

Skellow (adj.)

Descriptive of the satisfaction experienced when looking at a really good dry-stone wall.


Friday, September 14, 2012

Goole (n.)

The puddle on the bar into which the barman puts your change.


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Stebbing (n.)

The erection you cannot conceal because you're not wearing a jacket.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Bradford (n.)

A school teacher's old hairy jacket, now severely discoloured by chalk dust, ink, egg and the precipitations of unedifying chemical reactions.


Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Haugham (n.)

One who loudly informs other diners in a restaurant what kind of man he is by calling for the chef by his christian name from the lobby.


Monday, September 10, 2012

Spittal of Glenshee (n.)

That which has to be cleaned off castle floors in the morning after a bagpipe contest or vampire attack.

Spittal of Glenshee

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Ardslignish (adj.)

Adjective which describes the behaviour of Sellotape when you are tired.


Saturday, September 8, 2012

Trewoofe (n.)

A very thick and heavy drift of snow balanced precariously on the edoge of a door porch waiting for what it judges to be the correct moment to fall. From the ancient Greek legend 'The Trewoofe of Damocles'.


Friday, September 7, 2012

Simprim (n.)

The little movement of false modesty by which a girl with a cavernous visible cleavage pulls her skirt down over her knees.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Hutlerburn (n.archaic)

A burn sustained as a result of the behaviour of a clumsy hutler. (The precise duties of hutlers are now lost in the mists of history.)


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Benburb (n.)

The sort of man who becomes a returning officer.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Screggan (n. banking)

The crossed-out bit caused by people putting the wrong year on their cheques all through January.


Monday, September 3, 2012

Condover (n.)

One who is employed to stand about all day browsing through the magazine racks in the newsagent.


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Luffness (n.)

Hearty feeling that comes from walking on the moors with gumboots and cold ears.


Saturday, September 1, 2012

Hucknall (vb.)

To crouch upwards: as in the movement of a seated person's feet and legs made in order to allow a cleaner's hoover to pass beneath them.


Friday, August 31, 2012

Sotterley (n.)

Uncovered bit between two shops with awnings, which you have to cross when it's raining.


Thursday, August 30, 2012

Draffan (n.)

An infuriating person who always manages to look much more dashing that anyone else by turning up unshaven and hangover at a formal party.


Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Sketty (n.)

Apparently self-propelled little dance a beer glass performs in its own puddle.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Brecon (n. anatomical term)

That part of the toenail which is designed to snag on nylon sheets.


Monday, August 27, 2012

Haxby (n.)

Any garden implement found in a potating shed whose exact purpose is unclear.


Sunday, August 26, 2012

Goosecruives (pl. n. archaic)

A pair of wooden trousers worn by poultry-keepers in the Middle Ages.


Saturday, August 25, 2012

Burleston (n., vb.)

That peculiarly tuneless humming and whistling adopted by people who are extremely angry.


Friday, August 24, 2012

Slumbay (n.)

The cigarette end someone discovers in the mouthful of lager they have just swigged from a can at the end of party.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Aynho (vb.)

Of waiters, never to have a pen.


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Trossachs (pl.n.)

The useless epaulettes on an expensive raincoat.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Berepper (n.)

The irrevocable and sturdy fart released in the presence of royalty, which sounds quite like a small motorbike passing by (but not enough to be confused with one).


Monday, August 20, 2012

Shalunt (n.)

One who wears Trinidad and Tobago T-shirts on the beach in Bali to prove they didn't just win the holiday in a competition or anything.


Sunday, August 19, 2012

Corriemuchloch (n.)

Word describing the kind of person who can make a complete mess of a simple job like walking down a corridor.


Saturday, August 18, 2012

Luppitt (n.)

The piece of leather which hangs off the bottom of your shoe before you can be bothered to get it mended.


Friday, August 17, 2012

Botcherby (n.)

The principle by which British roads are signposted.


Thursday, August 16, 2012

Drebley (n.)

Name for a shop which is supposed to be witty but is in fact wearisome, e.g. 'The Frock Exchange', 'Hair Apparent', etc.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Slubbery (n.)

The gooey drips of wax that dribble down the sides of a candle so beloved by Italian restaurants with Chianti bottles instead of wallpaper.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Henstridge (n.)

The dried yellow substance found between the prongs of forks in restaurants.


Monday, August 13, 2012

Gretna Green (adj.)

A shade of green which cartoon characters dangle over the edge of a cliff.

Gretna Green

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Berkhamsted (n.)

The massive three-course midmorning blow-out enjoyed by a dieter who has already done his or her slimming duty by having a teaspoonful of cottage cheese for breakfast.


Saturday, August 11, 2012

Slogarie (n.)

Hillwalking dialect for the seven miles of concealed rough moorland which lie between what you though was the top of the hill and what actually is.


Friday, August 10, 2012

Tuamgraney (n.)

A hideous wooden ornament that people hang over the mantelpiece to prove they've been to Africa.


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Bures (n.medical)

The scabs on knees and elbows formed by a compulsion to make love on cheap Habitat floor-matting.


Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Corstorphine (n.)

A very short peremptory service held in monasteries prior to teatime to offer thanks for the benediction of digestive biscuits.


Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Brymbo (n.)

The single unappetising bun left in a baker's shop after four p.m.


Monday, August 6, 2012

Shenandoah (n.)

The infinite smugness of one who knows they are entitled to a place in a nuclear bunker.


Sunday, August 5, 2012

Duggleby (n.)

The person in front of you in the supermarket queue who has just unloaded a bulging trolley on to the conveyor belt and is now in the process of trying to work out which pocket they left their cheque book in, and indeed which pair of trousers.


Saturday, August 4, 2012

Burwash (n.)

The pleasurable cool sloosh of puddle water over the toes of your gumboots.


Friday, August 3, 2012

Hever (n.)

The panic caused by half-hearing Tannoy in an airport.


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bishop’s Caundle (n.)

An opening gambit before a game of chess whereby the missing pieces are replaced by small ornaments from the mantelpiece.

Bishop’s Caundle

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Shoeburyness (abs.n.)

The vague uncomfortable feeling you get when sitting on a seat which is still warm from somebody else's bottom.


Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Cotterstock (n.)

A piece of wood used to stir paint and thereafter stored uselessly in a shed in perpetuity.


Monday, July 30, 2012

Bursledon (n.)

The bluebottle one is too tired to get up and start, but not tired enough to sleep through.


Sunday, July 29, 2012

High Limerigg (n.)

The topmost tread of a staircase which disappears when you're climbing the stairs in the darkness.

High Limerigg

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Skibbereen (n.)

The noise made by a sunburned thighs leaving plastic chair.


Friday, July 27, 2012

Duluth (adj.)

The smell of a taxi out of which people have just got.


Thursday, July 26, 2012

Blithbury (n.)

A look someone gives you by which you become aware that they're much too drunk to have understood anything you've said to them in the last twenty minutes.


Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Shrivenham (n.)

One of Germaine Greer's used-up lovers.


Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Cranleigh (n.)

A mood of irrational irritation with everyone and everything.


Monday, July 23, 2012

Burbage (n.)

The sound made by a liftful of people all trying to breathe politely through their noses.


Sunday, July 22, 2012

Hoddlesden (n.)

An 'injured' footballer's limp back into the game which draws applause but doesn't fool anybody.


Saturday, July 21, 2012

Sittingbourne (n.)

One of those conversions where both people are waiting for the other one to shut up so they can get on with their bit.


Friday, July 20, 2012

Bolsover (n.)

One of those brown plastic trays with bumps on, placed upside down in boxes of chocolates to make you think you're-getting two layers.


Thursday, July 19, 2012

Silloth (n.)

Something that was sticky, and is now furry, found on the carpet under the sofa the morning after a party.


Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Hoylake (n.)

The pool of edible gravy which surrounds an inedible and disgusting lump of meat - eaten to give the impression that the person is 'just not very hungry, but mmm this is delicious'. Cf. Peaslake - a similar experience had by vegetarians.


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Brisbane (n.)

A perfectly reasonable explanation (Such as the one offered by a person with a gurgling cough which has nothing to do with the fact that they smoke fifty cigarettes a day.)


Monday, July 16, 2012

Dogdyke (vb.)

Of dog-owners, to adopt the absurd pretence that the animal shitting in the gutter is nothing to do with them.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

Hathersage (n.)

The tiny snippets of beard which coat the inside of a washbasin after shaving in it.


Saturday, July 14, 2012

Lowestoft (n.)

(a) The balls of wool which collect on nice new sweaters. (b) The correct name for 'navel fluff'.


Friday, July 13, 2012

Brough Sowerby (n.)

One who has been working at that same desk in the same office for fifteen years and has very much his own ideas about why he is continually passed over for promotion.

Brough Sowerby

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Golant (adj.)

Blank, sly and faintly embarrassed. Pertaining to the expression seen on the face of someone who has clearly forgotten your name.


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Scrabster (n.)

One of those dogs which has it off on your leg during tea.


Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Low Ardwell (n.)

Seductive remark made hopefully in the back of a taxi.

Low Ardwell

Monday, July 9, 2012

Burnt Yates (pl. n.)

Condition to which yates (q.v.) will suddenly pass without any apparent interviewing period, after the spirit of the throckmorton (q.v.) has finally been summoned by incessant throcking (q.v.)

Burnt Yates

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Pott Shrigley (n.)

Dried remains of a week-old casserole, eaten when extremely drunk at two a.m.

Pott Shrigley

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Clenchwarton (n. archaic)

One who assists an exorcist by squeezing whichever part of the possessed the exorcist deems useful.


Friday, July 6, 2012

Scrabby (n.)

A curious-shaped duster given to you by your mother which on closer inspection turns out to be half an underpant.


Thursday, July 5, 2012

Beaulieu Hill (n.)

The optimum vantage point from which one to view people undressing in the bedroom across the street.

Beaulieu Hill

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tolstachaolais (phr.)

What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Ambleside (n.)

A talk given about the Facts of Life by a father to his son whilst walking in the garden on a Sunday afternoon.


Monday, July 2, 2012

Harpenden (n.)

The coda to a phone conversion, consisting of about eight exchanges, by which people try gracefully to get off the line.


Sunday, July 1, 2012

Longniddry (n.)

A droplet which persists in running out of your nose.


Saturday, June 30, 2012

Glororum (n.)

One who takes pleasure in informing others about their bowel movements.


Friday, June 29, 2012

Minchinhampton (n.)

The expression on a man's face when he has just zipped up his trousers without due care and attention.


Thursday, June 28, 2012

Frosses (pl.n.)

The lecherous looks exchanged between sixteen-year-olds at a party given by someone's parents.


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Polbathic (adj.)

Gifted with ability to manipulate taps using only the feet.


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Dobwalls (pl.n.)

The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.


Monday, June 25, 2012

Scorrier (n.)

A small hunting dog trained to snuffle amongst your private parts.


Sunday, June 24, 2012

Clathy (adj.)

Nervously indecisive about how safely to dispose of a dud lightbulb.


Saturday, June 23, 2012

Tumby (n.)

The involuntary abdominal gurgling which fills the silence following someone else's intimate personal revelation.


Friday, June 22, 2012

Baumber (n.)

A fitted elasticated bottom sheet which turns your mattress banana shaped.


Thursday, June 21, 2012

Glemenuilt (n.)

The kind of guilt which you'd completely forgotten about which comes roaring back on discovering an old letter in a cupboard.


Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Tillicoultry (n.)

The man-to-man chumminess adopted by an employer as a prelude for telling an employee that he's going to have to let him go.


Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Alltami (n.)

The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.


Monday, June 18, 2012

Happle (vb.)

To annoy people by finishing their sentences for them and then telling them what they really meant to say.


Sunday, June 17, 2012

Lochranza (n.)

The long unaccomplished wail in the middle of a Scottish folk song where the pipes nip around the corner for a couple of drinks.


Saturday, June 16, 2012

Smearisary (n.)

That part of a kitchen wall reserved for the schooltime daubings of small children.


Friday, June 15, 2012

Melcombe regis (n.)

The name of the style of decoration used in cocktail lounges in mock Tudor hotels in Surrey.

Melcombe regis

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Forsinain (n. archaic)

The right of the lord of the manor to molest dwarves on their birthdays.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Plympton (n.)

The (pointless) knob on top of a war memorial.


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Dibble (vb.)

To try to remove a sticky something from one hand with the other, thus causing it to get stuck to the other hand and eventually to anything else you try to remove it with.


Monday, June 11, 2012

Scopwick (n.)

The flap of skin which is torn off you lip when trying to smoke an untipped cigarette.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

Clackavoid (n.)

Technical BBC term for a page of dialogue from Blake's Seven.


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Tigharry (n.)

The accomplice or 'lure' who gets punters to participate in the three card trick on London streets by winning an improbable amount of money very easily.


Friday, June 8, 2012

Baughurst (n.)

That kind of large fierce ugly woman who owns a small fierce ugly dog.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

Woking (participial vb.)

Standing in the kitchen wondering what you came in here for.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Aldclune (n.)

One who collects ten-year-old telephone directories.


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Hambledon (n.)

The sound of a single-engine aircraft flying by, heard whilst lying in a summer field in England, which somehow concentrates the silence and sense of space and timelessness and leaves one with a profound feeling of something or other.


Monday, June 4, 2012

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Glazeley (adj.)

The state of a barrister's flat greasy hair after wearing a wig all day.


Saturday, June 2, 2012

Shirmers (pl.n.)

Tall young men who stand around smiling at weddings as if to suggest that they know the bride rather well.


Friday, June 1, 2012

Marlow (n.)

The bottom drawer in the kitchen your mother keeps her paper bags in.


Thursday, May 31, 2012

Foindle (vb.)

To queue-jump very discreetly by working one's way up the line without being spotted doing so.


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Perranzabuloe (n.)

One of those spray things used to wet ironing with.


Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Detchant (n.)

That part of a hymn (usually a few notes at the end of a verse) where the tune goes so high or low that you suddenly have to change octaves to accommodate it.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Smisby (n.)

The correct name for a junior apprentice greengrocer whose main duty is to arrange the fruit so that the bad side is underneath.
From the name of a character not in Dickens.


Sunday, May 27, 2012

Chenies (pl.n.)

The last few sprigs or tassels of last Christmas's decoration you notice on the ceiling while lying on the sofa on an August afternoon.


Saturday, May 26, 2012

Thurnby (n.)

A rucked-up edge of carpet or linoleum which everyone says someone will trip over and break a leg unless it gets fixed. After a year or two someone trips over it and breaks a leg.


Friday, May 25, 2012

Blitterlees (pl. n.)

The little slivers of bamboo picked off a cane chair by a nervous guest which litter the carpet beneath and tell the chair's owner that the whole piece of furniture is about to uncoil terribly and slowly until it resembles a giant pencil sharpening.


Thursday, May 24, 2012

Winkley (n.)

A lost object which turns up immediately you've gone and bought a replacement for it.


Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Aird of Sleat (n. archaic)

Ancient Scottish curse placed from afar on the stretch of land now occupied by Heathrow Airport.

Aird of Sleat

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Little Urswick (n.)

The member of any class who most inclines a teacher towards the view that capital punishment should be introduced in schools.

Little Urswick

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sneem (n.,vb.)

Particular kind of frozen smile bestowed on a small child by a parent in mixed company when question, 'Mummy, what's this?' appears to require the answer,''s a rubber johnny, darling'.


Sunday, May 20, 2012

Market Deeping (participial vb.)

Stealing one piece of fruit from a street fruit-and- vegetable stall.

Market Deeping

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Humby (n.)

An erection which won't go down when a gentleman has to go for a pee in the middle of making love to someone.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

Glassel (n.)

A seaside pebble which was shiny and interesting when wet, and which is now a lump of rock, which children nevertheless insist on filing their suitcases with after the holiday.


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Papworth Everard (n.)

Technical term for the third take of an orgasm scene during the making of a pornographic film.

Papworth Everard

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Fiunary (n.)

The safe place you put something and then forget where it was.


Monday, May 14, 2012

Scremby (n.)

The dehydrated felt-tip pen attached by a string to the 'Don't Forget' board in the kitchen which has never worked in living memory but which no one can be bothered to throw away.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Pant-y-wacco (adj.)

The final state of mind of retired colonel before they come to take him away.


Saturday, May 12, 2012

Deal (n.)

The gummy substance found between damp toes.


Friday, May 11, 2012

Saffron Walden (n.)

To spray the person you are talking to with half-chewed breadcrumbs or small pieces of whitebait.

Saffron Walden

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Theakstone (n.)

Ancient mad tramp who jabbers to himself and swears loudly and obscenely on station platforms and traffic islands.


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Ballycumber (n.)

One of the six half-read books lying somewhere in your bed.


Monday, May 7, 2012

Willimantic (adj.)

Of a person whose hearth is in the wrong place (i.e. between their legs).


Sunday, May 6, 2012

Aigburth (n.)

Any piece of readily identifiable anatomy found amongst cooked meat.


Saturday, May 5, 2012

Sheppy (n.)

Measure of distance (equal to approximately seven eighths of a mile), defined as the closest distance at which sheep remain picturesque.


Friday, May 4, 2012

Lindisfarne (adj.)

Descriptive of the pleasant smell of an empty biscuit tin.


Thursday, May 3, 2012

Hagnaby (n.)

Someone who looked a lot more attractive in the disco than they do in your bed the next morning.


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Meathop (n.)

One who sets off for the scene of an aircraft crash with a picnic hamper.


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Gildersome (adj.)

Descriptive of a joke someone tells you which starts well, but which becomes so embellished in the telling that you start to weary of it after scarcely half an hour.


Monday, April 30, 2012

Nempnett Thrubwell (n.)

The feeling experienced when driving off for the frist time on a brand new motorbike.

Nempnett Thrubwell

Sunday, April 29, 2012

Sturry (n.,vb.)

A token run. Pedestrians who have chosen to cross a road immediately in front of an approaching vehicle generally give a little wave and break into a sturry. This gives the impression of hurrying without having any practical effect on their speed whatsoever.


Saturday, April 28, 2012

Farnham (n.)

The feeling you get about four o'clock in the afternoon when you haven't got enough done.


Friday, April 27, 2012

Pabbay (n.,vb.)

(Fencing term.) The play, or manoeuvre, where one swordsman leaps on to the table and pulls the battleaxe off the wall.


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Dalrymple (n.)

Dalarymples are the things you pay extra for on pieces of hand-made craftwork - the rough edges, the paint smudges and the holes in the glazing.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Savernake (vb.)

To sew municipal crests on to a windcheater in the belief that this will make the wearer appear cosmopolitan.


Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Cairnpat (n.)

A large piece of dried dung found in mountainous terrain above the cowline which leads the experienced tracker to believe that hikers have recently passed.


Monday, April 23, 2012

Tabley Superior (n.)

The look directed at you in a theatre bar in the interval by people who've already got their drinks.

Tabley Superior

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Babworth (n.)

Something which justifies having a really good cry.


Saturday, April 21, 2012

Widdicombe (n.)

The sort of person who impersonates trim phones.


Friday, April 20, 2012

Adrigole (n.)

The centrepiece of a merry-go-round on which the man with the tickets stands unnervingly still.


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Kettleness (adj.)

The quality of not being able to pee while being watched.


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Hadzor (n.)

A sharp instrument placed in the washing-up bowl which makes it easier to cut yourself.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Le Touquet (n.)

A mere nothing, an unconsidered trifle, a negligible amount. Un touquet is often defined as the difference between the cost of a bottle of gin bought in an off-licence and one bought in a duty-free shop.

Le Touquet

Monday, April 16, 2012

Galashiels (pl.n.)

A form of particularly long sparse sideburns which are part of the mandatory uniform of British Rail guards.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Maaruig (n.)

The inexpressible horror experienced on walking up in the morning and remembering that you are Andy Stewart.


Saturday, April 14, 2012

Farduckmanton (n. archaic)

An ancient edict, mysteriously omitted from the Domesday Book, requiring that the feeding of fowl on village ponds should be carried out equitably.


Friday, April 13, 2012

Nutbourne (n.)

In a choice between two or more possible puddings, the one nobody plumps for.


Thursday, April 12, 2012

Didling (participial vb.)

The process of trying to work out who did it when reading a whodunnit, and trying to keep your options open so that when you find out you can allow yourself to think that you knew perfectly well who it was all along.


Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Papple (vb.)

To do what babies do to soup with their spoons.


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Caarnduncan (n.)

The high-pitched and insistent cry of the young female human urging one of its peer group to do something dangerous on a cliff-edge or piece of toxic waste ground.


Monday, April 9, 2012

Sluggan (n.)

A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spouse last night - but which into a door. It is useless to volunteer the true explanation because nobody will believe it.


Sunday, April 8, 2012

Boothby graffoe (n.)

1. The man in the pub who slaps people on the back as if they were old friends, when in fact he has no friends, largely on account of this habit.
2. Any story told by Robert Morley on chat shows.

Boothby graffoe

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Tooting bec (n.)

A car behind which one draws up at the traffic lights and hoots at when the lights go green before realising that the car is parked and there is no one inside.

Tooting bec

Friday, April 6, 2012

Affpuddle (n.)

A puddle which is hidden under a pivoted paving stone. You only know it's there when you step on the paving stone and the puddle shoots up your leg.


Thursday, April 5, 2012

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Horton-cum-studley (n.)

The combination of little helpful grunts, nodding movements of the head, considerate smiles, upward frowns and serious pauses that a group of people join in making in trying to elicit the next pronouncement of somebody with a dreadful stutter.


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Tincleton (n.)

A man who amuses himself in your lavatory by pulling the chain in mid-pee and then seeing if he can finish before the flush does.


Monday, April 2, 2012

Barstibley (n.)

A humorous device such as a china horse or small naked porcelain infant which jocular hosts use of piss water into your Scotch with.


Sunday, April 1, 2012

Smarden (vb.)

To keep your mouth shut by smiling determinedly through you teeth. Smardening is largely used by people trying to give the impression that they're enjoying a story they've heard at least six times before.


Saturday, March 31, 2012

Glasgow (n.)

The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.


Friday, March 30, 2012

Banff (adj.)

Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph taken.


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Kelling (participial vb.)

A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of re-looking in all the places they have looked once already, is said to be kelling.


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Mapledurham (n.)

A hideous piece of chipboard veneer furniture bought in a suburban high street furniture store and designed to hold exactly a year's supply of Sunday colour supplements.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Percyhorner (n.)

(English public-school slang). A prefect whose duty it is to surprise new boys at the urinal humiliate them in a manner of his choosing.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Adlestrop (n.)

That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special 'quick release' feature which enables the case to flip open at this point and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Deeping St Nicholas (n.)

What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops waiting for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the chimney, they can rip stuff off from his sleigh.

Deeping St Nicholas

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Heanton punchardon (n.)

A violent argument which breaks out in the car on the way home from a party between a couple who have had to be polite to each other in company all evening.

Heanton punchardon

Friday, March 23, 2012

Lydiard tregoze (n.)

The opposite of a mavis enderby (q.v.). An unrequited early love of your life who still causes terrible pangs though she inexplicably married a telephone engineer.

Lydiard tregoze

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Whissendine (n.)

The nose which occurs (often by night) in a strange house, which is too short and too irregular for you ever to be able to find out what it is and where it comes from.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Tibshelf (n.)

Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Monks toft (n.)

The bundle of hair which is left after a monk has been tonsured, which he keeps tired up with a rubber band and uses for chasing ants away.

Monks toft

Monday, March 19, 2012

Scethrog (n.)

One of those peculiar beards-without-moustaches worn by religious Belgians and American scientists which help them look like trolls.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Clackmannan (n.)

The sound made by knocking over an elephant's-foot umbrella stand full of walking sticks. Hence name for a particular kind of disco drum riff.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Hidcote bartram (n.)

To be caught in a hidcote bartram is to say a series of protracted and final goodbyes to a group of people, leave the house and then realize you've left your hat behind.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Pode hole (n.)

A hole drilled in chipboard lavatory walls by homosexuals for any one of a number of purposes.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Hodnet (n.)

The wooden safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal risk) can drop pieces of cement on passers-by.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Tolstachaolais (phr.)

What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Bealings (pl. n. archaic)

The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval Flanders, soup made from bealings was a very slightly sought-after delicacy.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Sluggan (n.)

A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spouse last night - but which into a door. It is useless to volunteer the true explanation because nobody will believe it.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Kirby (n.)

Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's face or clothing. See also Chipping ongar.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dobwalls (pl.n.)

The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.


Friday, March 9, 2012

Bromsgrove (n.)

Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about forty-five tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes claiming to be sculpture. 'Oh, come my dear, and come with me. And wander 'neath the bromsgrove tree' - Betjeman.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Glutt lodge (n.)

The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge, hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.

Glutt lodge

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Totteridge (n.)

The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience. c.f. hickling.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Naseby (n.)

The stout metal instrument used for clipping labels on to exhibits at flower shows.


Monday, March 5, 2012

Frolesworth (n.)

Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else doesn't think you've a complete moron.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ainderby steeple (n.)

One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and saying 'and I'll tell you why I ask...' and then talking solidly for the next hour.

Ainderby steeple

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Chicago (n.)

The foul-smelling wind which precedes an underground railway train.


Friday, March 2, 2012

Wivenhoe (n.)

The cry of alacrity with which a sprightly eighty-year-old breaks the ice on the lake when going for a swim on Christmas Eve.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Hickling (participial vb.)

The practice of infuriating theatregoers by not only arriving late to a centre-row seat, but also loudly apologizing to and patting each member of the audience in turn.


Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Mankinholes (pl.n.)

The small holes in a loaf of bread which give rise to the momentary suspicion that something may have made its home within.


Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Silesia (n. medical)

The inability to remember, at the critical moment, which is the better side of a boat to be seasick off.


Monday, February 27, 2012

Brompton (n.)

A bromton is that which is said to have been committed when you are convinced you are about to blow off with a resounding trumpeting noise in a public place and all that actually slips out is a tiny 'pfpt'.


Sunday, February 26, 2012

Nubbock (n.)

The kind of person who has to leave before a party can relax and enjoy itself.


Saturday, February 25, 2012

Great wakering (participial vb.)

Panic which sets in when you badly need to go to the lavatory and cannot make up your mind about what book or magazine to take with you.

Great wakering