Friday, September 30, 2011

Melton constable (n.)

A patent anti-wrinkle cream which policemen wear to keep themselves looking young.

Melton constable

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Framlingham (n.)

A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone. Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on Monday morning.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Ardscull (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the ardscalpsie (q.v.).


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Ganges (n. rare : colonial Indian)

Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)


Monday, September 26, 2011

Boscastle (n.)

A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a supermarket.


Sunday, September 25, 2011

West wittering (participial vb.)

The uncontrollable twitching which breaks out when you're trying to get away from the most boring person at a party.

West wittering

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Fulking (participial vb.)

Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Oughterby (n.)

Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have to as a matter of duty.


Thursday, September 22, 2011

York (vb.)

To shift the position of the shoulder straps on a heavy bag or rucksack in a vain attempt to make it seem lighter.
 Hence: to laugh falsely and heartily at an unfunny remark. 'Jasmine yorked politely, loathing him to the depths of her being' - Virginia Woolf.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Swanage (pl.n.)

Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.


Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Tulsa (n.)

A slurp of beer which has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.


Monday, September 19, 2011

Emsworth (n.)

Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

Hastings (pl.n.)

Things said on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.


Saturday, September 17, 2011

Scranton (n.)

A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always says,'... But I only had the tomato soup.'


Friday, September 16, 2011

Humber (vb.)

To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a cattle grid.


Thursday, September 15, 2011

Duddo (n.)

The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.


Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Huby (n.)

A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.


Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Monday, September 12, 2011

Glossop (n.)

A rouge blob of food.
 Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.


Sunday, September 11, 2011

Corrievorrie (n.)

Corridor etiquette demands that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving, grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling the head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as the smile drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass each other.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Nazeing (participial vb.)

The rather unconvincing noises of pretended interest which an adult has to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a child.


Friday, September 9, 2011

Clovis (q.v.)

One who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations in the office.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Flodigarry (n. Scots)

An ankle-length gabardine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.


Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Yarmouth (vb.)

To shout at foreigners in the belief that the louder you speak, the better they'll understand you.


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Throckmorton (n.)

The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.


Monday, September 5, 2011

Motspur (n.)

The fourth wheel of a supermarket trolley which looks identical to the other three but renders the trolley completely uncontrollable.


Sunday, September 4, 2011

Albuquerque (n.)

A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to identify yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.


Saturday, September 3, 2011

Clun (n.)

A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you.


Friday, September 2, 2011

Hassop (n.)

The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling bits and pieces of Lego.


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Sproston green (n.)

The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

Sproston green