Saturday, March 31, 2012

Glasgow (n.)

The feeling of infinite sadness engendered when walking through a place filled with happy people fifteen years younger than yourself.


Friday, March 30, 2012

Banff (adj.)

Pertaining to, or descriptive of, that kind of facial expression which is impossible to achieve except when having a passport photograph taken.


Thursday, March 29, 2012

Kelling (participial vb.)

A person searching for something, who has reached the futile stage of re-looking in all the places they have looked once already, is said to be kelling.


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Mapledurham (n.)

A hideous piece of chipboard veneer furniture bought in a suburban high street furniture store and designed to hold exactly a year's supply of Sunday colour supplements.


Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Percyhorner (n.)

(English public-school slang). A prefect whose duty it is to surprise new boys at the urinal humiliate them in a manner of his choosing.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Adlestrop (n.)

That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special 'quick release' feature which enables the case to flip open at this point and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

Deeping St Nicholas (n.)

What street-wise kids do at Christmas. They hide on the rooftops waiting for Santa Claus so that if he arrives and goes down the chimney, they can rip stuff off from his sleigh.

Deeping St Nicholas

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Heanton punchardon (n.)

A violent argument which breaks out in the car on the way home from a party between a couple who have had to be polite to each other in company all evening.

Heanton punchardon

Friday, March 23, 2012

Lydiard tregoze (n.)

The opposite of a mavis enderby (q.v.). An unrequited early love of your life who still causes terrible pangs though she inexplicably married a telephone engineer.

Lydiard tregoze

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Whissendine (n.)

The nose which occurs (often by night) in a strange house, which is too short and too irregular for you ever to be able to find out what it is and where it comes from.


Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Tibshelf (n.)

Criss-cross wooden construction hung on a wall in a teenage girl's bedroom which is covered with glass bambies and poodles, matching pigs and porcelain ponies in various postures.


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Monks toft (n.)

The bundle of hair which is left after a monk has been tonsured, which he keeps tired up with a rubber band and uses for chasing ants away.

Monks toft

Monday, March 19, 2012

Scethrog (n.)

One of those peculiar beards-without-moustaches worn by religious Belgians and American scientists which help them look like trolls.


Sunday, March 18, 2012

Clackmannan (n.)

The sound made by knocking over an elephant's-foot umbrella stand full of walking sticks. Hence name for a particular kind of disco drum riff.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Hidcote bartram (n.)

To be caught in a hidcote bartram is to say a series of protracted and final goodbyes to a group of people, leave the house and then realize you've left your hat behind.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Pode hole (n.)

A hole drilled in chipboard lavatory walls by homosexuals for any one of a number of purposes.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Hodnet (n.)

The wooden safety platform supported by scaffolding round a building under construction from which the builders (at almost no personal risk) can drop pieces of cement on passers-by.


Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Tolstachaolais (phr.)

What the police in Leith require you to say in order to prove that you are not drunk.


Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Bealings (pl. n. archaic)

The unsavoury parts of a moat which a knight has to pour out of his armour after being the victim of an araglin (q.v.). In medieval Flanders, soup made from bealings was a very slightly sought-after delicacy.


Monday, March 12, 2012

Sluggan (n.)

A lurid facial bruise which everyone politely omits to mention because it's obvious that you had a punch-up with your spouse last night - but which into a door. It is useless to volunteer the true explanation because nobody will believe it.


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Kirby (n.)

Small but repulsive piece of food prominently attached to a person's face or clothing. See also Chipping ongar.


Saturday, March 10, 2012

Dobwalls (pl.n.)

The now hard-boiled bits of nastiness which have to be prised off crockery by hand after it has been through a dishwasher.


Friday, March 9, 2012

Bromsgrove (n.)

Any urban environment containing a small amount of dogturd and about forty-five tons of bent steel pylon or a lump of concrete with holes claiming to be sculpture. 'Oh, come my dear, and come with me. And wander 'neath the bromsgrove tree' - Betjeman.


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Glutt lodge (n.)

The place where food can be stored after having a tooth extracted. Some Arabs can go without sustenance for up to six weeks on a full glutt lodge, hence the expression 'the shit of the dessert'.

Glutt lodge

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Totteridge (n.)

The ridiculous two-inch hunch that people adopt when arriving late for the theatre in the vain and futile hope that it will minimise either the embarrassment of the lack of visibility for the rest of the audience. c.f. hickling.


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Naseby (n.)

The stout metal instrument used for clipping labels on to exhibits at flower shows.


Monday, March 5, 2012

Frolesworth (n.)

Measure. The minimum time it is necessary to spend frowning in deep concentration at each picture in an art gallery in order that everyone else doesn't think you've a complete moron.


Sunday, March 4, 2012

Ainderby steeple (n.)

One who asks you a question with the apparent motive of wanting to hear your answer, but who cuts short your opening sentence by leaning forward and saying 'and I'll tell you why I ask...' and then talking solidly for the next hour.

Ainderby steeple

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Chicago (n.)

The foul-smelling wind which precedes an underground railway train.


Friday, March 2, 2012

Wivenhoe (n.)

The cry of alacrity with which a sprightly eighty-year-old breaks the ice on the lake when going for a swim on Christmas Eve.


Thursday, March 1, 2012

Hickling (participial vb.)

The practice of infuriating theatregoers by not only arriving late to a centre-row seat, but also loudly apologizing to and patting each member of the audience in turn.