Todding (vb.)

The business of talking amiably and aimlessly to the barman at the local.

Todding

Piddletrenthide (n.)

A trouser stain caused by a wimbledon (q.v.). Not to be confused with a botley (q.v.)

Piddletrenthide

Low eggborough (n.)

A quiet little unregarded man in glasses who is building a new kind of atomic bomb in his garden shed.

Low eggborough

Eriboll (n.)

A brown bubble of cheese containing gaseous matter which grows on welsh rarebit. It was Sir Alexander Flemming's study of eribolls which led, indirectly, to his discovery of the fact that he didn't like welsh rarebit very much.

Eriboll

Ardscalpsie (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for completely massacring your hair.

Ardscalpsie

Pitsligo (n.)

Part of traditional mating rite. During the first hot day of spring, all the men in the tube start giving up their seats to ladies and staphanging. The purpose of pitsligo is for them to demonstrate their manhood by displaying the wet patches under their arms.

Pitsligo

Mellon udrigle (n.)

The ghastly sound made by traditional folksingers.

Mellon udrigle

Lusby (n.)

The fold of flesh pushing forward over the top of a bra which is too small for the lady inside it.

Lusby

Haselbury pluncknett (n.)

A mechanical device for cleaning combs invented during the industrial revolution at the same time as Arkwright's Spinning Jenny, but which didn't catch on in the same way.

Haselbury pluncknett

Uttoxeter (n.)

A small but immensely complex mechanical device which is essentially the 'brain' of a modern coffee vending machine, and which enables the machine to take its own decisions.

Uttoxeter

Wike (vb.)

To rip a piece of sticky plaster off your skin as fast as possible in the hope that it will (a) show how brave you are, and (b) not hurt.

Wike

Scullet (n.)

The last teaspoon in the washing up.

Scullet

Great tosson (n.)

A fat book containing four words and six cartoons which cost £6.95.

Great tosson

Finuge (vb.)

In any division of foodstuffs equally between several people, to give yourself the extra slice left over.

Finuge

Bodmin (n.)

The irrational and inevitable discrepancy between the amount pooled and the amount needed when a large group of people try to pay a bill together after a meal.

Bodmin

Tidpit (n.)

The corner of a toenail from which satisfying little black deposits may be sprung.

Tidpit

Naas (n.)

The winemaking region of Albania where most of the wine that people take to bottle-parties comes from.

Naas

Bradworthy (n.)

One who is skilled in the art of naming loaves.

Bradworthy

Curry mallet (n.)

A large wooden or rubber cub which poachers use to despatch cats or other game which they can only sell to Indian resturants. For particulary small cats the price obtainable is not worth the cost of expending ammunition.

Curry mallet

Fring (n.)

The noise made by light bulb which has just shone its last.

Fring

Woolfardisworthy (n.)

A mumbled, mispronounced or misheard word in a song, speech or play. Derived from the well-known mumbles passage in Hamlet :

'...and the spurns,
That patient merit of the unworthy takes
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who woolfardisworthy
To grunt and sweat under a weary life?'

Woolfardisworthy

Ullingswick (n.)

An over-developed epiglottis found in middle-aged coloraturas.

Ullingswick

Exeter (n.)

All light household and electrical goods contain a number of vital components plus at least one exeter. If you've just mended a fuse, changed a bulb or fixed a blender, the exeter is the small, flat or round plastic or bakelite piece left over which means you have to undo everything and start all over again.

Exeter

Malibu (n.)

The height by which the top of a wave exceeds the height to which you have rolled up your trousers.

Malibu

Belper (n.)

A knob of someone else's chewing gum which you unexpectedly find your hand resting on under a deck's top, under the passenger seat of your car or on somebody's thigh under their skirt.

Belper

Ranfurly (adj.)

Fashion of trying ties so that the long thin end underneath dangles below the short fat upper end.

Ranfurly

Herstmonceux (n.)

The correct name for the gold medallion worn by someone who is in the habit of wearing their shirt open to the waist.

Herstmonceux

Dewlish (adj.)

(Of the hands or feet.) Prunelike after an overlong bath.

Dewlish

Yonder Bognie (n.)

The kind of restaurant advertised as 'just three minutes from this cinema' which clearly nobody ever goes to and, even if they had ever contemplated it, have certainly changed their mind since seeing the advert.

Yonder Bognie

Weem (n.)

The tools with which a dentist can inflict the greatest pain. Formerly, which tool this was dependent upon the imagination and skill of the individual dentist, though now, with technological advances, weems can be bought specially.

Weem

Kalami (n.)

The ancient Eastern art of being able to fold road-maps properly.

Kalami