Dungeness (n.)

The uneasy feeling that the plastic handles of the overloaded supermarket carrier bag you are carrying are getting steadily longer.

Dungeness

Sligo (n.)

An unnamed and exotic sexual act which people like to believe that famous films stars get up to in private. 'To commit slingo.'

Sligo

Pevensey (n. archaic)

The right to collect shingle from the king's foreshore.

Pevensey

Clabby (adj.)

A 'clabby' conversation is one stuck up by a commissionaire or cleaning lady in order to avoid any further actual work. The opening gambit is usually designed to provoke the maximum confusion, and therefore the longest possible clabby conversation. It is vitally important to learn the correct, or 'clixby' (q.v.), responses to a clabby gambit, and not to get trapped by a 'ditherington' (q.v.). For instance, if confronted with a clabby gambit such as 'Oh, mr Smith, I didn't know you'd had your leg off', the ditherington response is 'I haven't....' whereas the clixby is 'good'.

Clabby

Fovant (n.)

A taxi driver's gesture, a raised hand pointed out of the window which purports to mean 'thank you' and actually means 'fuck off out of the way'.

Fovant

Trispen (n.)

A form of intelligent grass. It grows a single, tough stalk and makes its home on lawns. When it sees the lawnmower coming it lies down and pops up again after it has gone by.

Trispen

Nantwich (n.)

A late-night snack, invented by the Earl of Nantwich, which consists of the dampest thing in the fridge, pressed between two of the driest things in the fridge. The Earl, who lived in a flat in Clapham, invented the nantwich to avoid having to go shopping.

Nantwich

Meeth (n.)

Something which American doctors will shortly tell us we are all suffering from.

Meeth

Kirby misperton (n.)

One who kindly attempts to wipe an apparent kirby (q.v.) off another's face with a napkin, and then discovers it to be a wart or other permanent fixture, is said to have committed a 'kirby misperton'.

Kirby misperton

Kettering (n.)

The marks left on your bottom or thighs after sunbathing on a wickerwork chair.

Kettering

Everscreech (n.)

The look given by a group of polite, angry people to a rude, calm queue-barger.

Everscreech

East wittering (n.)

The same as west wittering (q.v.) only it's you they've trying to get away from.

East wittering

Boolteens (pl. n.)

The small scatterings of foreign coins and half-p's which inhabit dressing tables. Since they are never used and never thrown away boolteens account for a significant drain on the world's money supply.

Boolteens

Aith (n.)

The single bristle that sticks out sideways on a cheap paintbrush.

Aith

Yaddlethorpe (vb.)

(Of offended pooves.) To exit huffily from a boutique.

Yaddlethorpe

Oundle (vb.)

To walk along leaning sideways, with one arm hanging limp and dragging one leg behind the other. Most commonly used by actors in amateur production of Richard III, or by people carrying a heavy suitcase in one hand.

Oundle

Limerigg (vb.)

To jar one's leg as the result of the disappearance of a stair which isn't there in the darkness.

Limerigg

Darenth (n.)

Measure = 0.0000176 mg. Defined as that amount of margarine capable of covering one hundred slices of bread to the depth of one molecule. This is the legal maximum allowed in sandwich bars in Greater London.

Darenth

Aboyne (vb.)

To beat an expert at a game of skill by playing so appallingly that none of his clever tactics or strategies are of any use to him.

Aboyne

Clixby (adj.)

Politely rude. Briskly vague. Firmly uninformative.

Clixby

Keele (adj.)

The horrible smell caused by washing ashtrays.

Keele

Whasset (n.)

A business card in you wallet belonging to someone whom you have no recollection of meeting.

Whasset

Snitter (n.)

One of the rather unfunny newspaper clippings pinned to an office wall, the humour of which is supposed to derive from the fact that the headline contains a name similar to that of one of the occupants to the office.

Snitter

Quenby (n.)

A stubborn spot on a window which you spend twenty minutes trying to clean off before discovering it's on the other side of the glass.

Quenby

High offley (n.)

Gossnargh (q.v.) three weeks later.

High offley

Corriecravie (n.)

To avert the horrors of corrievorrie (q.v.) corriecravie is usually employed. This is the cowardly but highly skilled process by which both protagonists continue to approach while keeping up the pretence that they haven't noticed each other - by staring furiously at their feet, grimacing into a notebook, or studying the walls closely as if in a mood of deep irritation.

Corriecravie

Gastard (n.)

Useful specially new-coined word for an illegitimate child (in order to distinguish it from someone who merely carves you up on the motorway, etc.)

Gastard

Tampa (n.)

The sound of a rubber eraser coming to rest after dropping off a desk in a very quiet room.

Tampa

Lossiemouth (n.)

One of those middle-aged ladies with just a hint of a luxuriant handlebar moustache.

Lossiemouth

Dunboyne (n.)

The moment of realisation that the train you have just patiently watched pulling out of the station was the one you were meant to be on.

Dunboyne

Runcorn (n.)

A peeble (q.v.) which is larger that a belper (q.v.)

Runcorn