Dockery (n.)

Facetious behaviour adopted by an accused man in the mistaken belief that this will endear him to the judge.

Dockery

Wrabness (n.)

The feeling after having tried to dry oneself with a damp towel.

Wrabness

Aberystwyth (n.)

A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.

Aberystwyth

Taroom (vb.)

To make loud noises during the night to let the burglars know you are in.

Taroom

Botolphs (n.)

Huge benign tumours which archdeacons and old chemisty teachers affect to wear on the sides of their noses.

Botolphs

Frimley (n.)

Exaggerated carefree saunter adopted by Norman Wisdom as an immediate prelude to dropping down an open manhole.

Frimley

Sidcup (n.)

One of those hats made from tying knots in the corners of a handkerchief.

Sidcup

Corfu (n.)

The dullest person you met during the course of your holiday. Also the only one who failed to understand that the exchanging of addresses at the end of a holiday is merely a social ritual and is absolutely not an invitation to phone you up and turn up unannounced on your doorstep three months later.

Corfu

Fairymount (vb.n.)

Polite word for buggery.

Fairymount

Hove (adj.)

Descriptive of the expression seen on the face of one person in the presence of another who clearly isn't going to stop talking for a very long time.

Hove

Abercrave (vb.)

To strongly desire to swing from the pole on the rear footplate of a bus.

Abercrave

Godalming (n.)

Wonderful rush of relief on discovering that the ely (q.v.) and the wembley (q.v.) were in fact false alarms.

Godalming

Snitterby (n.)

Someone who pins snitters (q.v.) on to snitterfields (q.v.) and is also suspected of being responsible for the extinction of virginstows (q.v.)

Snitterby

Wroot (n.)

A short little berk who thinks that by pulling on his pipe and gazing shrewdly at you he will give the impression that he is infinitely wise and 5 ft 11 in.

Wroot

Hibbing (n.)

The marks left on the outside breast pocket of a storekeeper's overall where he has put away his pen and missed.

Hibbing

Chipping ongar (n.)

The disgust and embarrassment (or 'ongar') felt by an observer in the presence of a person festooned with kirbies (q.v.) when they don't know them well enough to tell them to wipe them off, invariably this 'ongar' is accompanied by an involuntary staccato twitching of the leg (or 'chipping')

Chipping ongar

Ditherington (n)

Sudden access to panic experienced by one who realises that he is being drawn inexorably into a clabby (q.v.) conversion, i.e. one he has no hope of enjoying, benefiting from or understanding.

Ditherington

Blean (n.)

Scientific measure of luminosity : 1 glimmer = 100,000 bleans. Usherettes' torches are designed to produce between 2.5 and 4 bleans, enabling them to assist you in falling downstairs, treading on people or putting your hand into a Neapolitan tub when reaching for change.

Blean

Wyoming (participial vb.)

Moving in hurried desperation from one cubicle to another in a public lavatory trying to find one which has a lock on the door, a seat on the bowl and no brown steaks on the seat.

Wyoming

Snitterfield (n.)

Office noticeboard on which snitters (q.v.), cards saying 'You don't have to be mad to work here, but if you are it helps !!!' and slightly smutty postcards from Ibiza get pinned up by snitterbies (q.v.)

Snitterfield

Epsom (n.)

An entry in a diary (such as a date or a set of initials) or a name and address in your address book, which you haven't the faintest idea what it's doing there.

Epsom

Marytavy (n.)

A person to whom, under dire injunctions of silence, you tell a secret which you wish to be fare more widely known.

Marytavy

Torlundy (n.)

Narrow but thickly grimed strip of floor between the fridge and the sink unit in the kitchen of a rented flat.

Torlundy

Lulworth (n.)

Measure of conversation. A lulworth defines the amount of the length, loudness and embarrassment of a statement you make when everyone else in the room unaccountably stops talking at the same time.

Lulworth

Dubuque (n.)

A look given by a superior person to someone who has arrived wearing the wrong sort of shoes.

Dubuque

Kibblesworth (n.)

The footling amount of money by which the price of a given article in a shop is less than a sensible number, in a vain hope that at least one idiot will think it cheap. For instance, the kibblesworth on a pair of shoes priced at £19.99 is 1p.

Kibblesworth

Ainderby Quernhow (n.)

One who continually bemoans the 'loss' of the word 'gay' to the English language, even though they had never used the word in any context at all until they started complaining that they couldn't use it any more.

Ainderby Quernhow

Writtle (vb.)

Of a steel ball, to settle into a hole.

Writtle

Twemlow green (n.)

The colour of some of Nigel Rees's trousers, worn in the mistaken belief that they go rather well with his sproston green (q.v.) jackets.

Twemlow green

Memphis (n.)

The little bits of yellow fluff which get trapped in the hinge of the windscreen wipers after polishing the car with a new duster.

Memphis