Ventnor (n.)

One who, having been visited as a child by a mysterious gypsy lady, is gifted with the strange power of being able to operate the air-nozzles above aeroplane seats.

Ventnor

Liff (n.)

A book, the contents of which are totally belied by its cover. For instance, any book the dust jacket of which bears the words. 'This book will change your life'.

Liff

Kurdistan (n.)

Hard stare given by a husband to his wife when he notices a sharp increase in the number of times he answers the phone to be told, 'Sorry, wrong number.'

Kurdistan

Aberbeeg (vb.)

Of amateur actors, to adopt a Mexican accent when called upon to play any variety of foreigner (except Pakistanis - from whom a Welsh accent is considered sufficient).

Aberbeeg

Wigan (n.)

If, when talking to someone you know has only one leg, you're trying to treat then perfectly casually and normally, but find to your horror that your conversion is liberally studded with references to (a) Long John Silver, (b) Hopalong Cassidy, (c) The Hockey Cokey, (d) 'putting your foot in it', (e) 'the last leg of the UEFA competition', you are said to have committed a wigan.
 The word is derived from the fact that sub-editors at ITN used to manage to mention the name of either the town Wigan, or Lord Wigg, in every fourth script that Reginald Bosanquet was given to read.

Wigan

Bedfont (n.)

A lurching sensation in the pit of the stomach experienced at breakfast in a hotel, occasioned by the realisation that it is about now that the chamber-maid will have discovered the embarrassing stain on your bottom sheet.

Bedfont

Margate (n.)

A margate is a particular kind of commissionaire who sees you every day and is on cheerful first-name terms with you, then one day refuses to let you in because you've forgotten your identify card.

Margate

Epworth (n.)

The precise value of the usefulness of epping (q.v.) it is a little-known fact than an earlier draft of the final line of the film Gone with the Wind had Clark Gable saying 'Frankly my dear, i don't give an epworth', the line being eventually changed on the grounds that it might not be understood in Cleveland.

Epworth

Naples (pl.n.)

The tiny depression in a piece of Ryvita.

Naples

Valletta (n.)

On ornate head-dress or loose garment worn by a person in the belief that it renders then invisibly native and not like a tourist at all. People who don huge colonial straw collie hats with 'I Luv Lagos' on them in Nigeria, or fat solicitors from Tonbridge on holiday in Malaya who insist on appearing in the hotel lobby wearing a sarong know what we're on about.

Valletta

Yesnaby (n.)

A 'yes, maybe' which means 'no'.

Yesnaby

Throcking (participial vb.)

The action of continually pushing down the lever on a pop-up toaster in the hope that you will thereby get it to understand that you want it to toast something.
 Also: a style of drum-playing favoured by Nigel Olsson of the Elton John Band, reminiscent of the sound of someone slapping a frankfurter against a bucket. An excellent example of this is to be heard on 'Someone Save My Life Tonight' from the album Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy.

Throcking

Agglethorpe (n.)

A dispute between two pooves in a boutique.

Agglethorpe

Buldoo (n.)

A virulent red-coloured pus which generally accompanies clonmult (q.v.) and sandberge (q.v.)

Buldoo

Papcastle (n.)

Something drawn or modelled by a small child which you are supposed to know what it is.

Papcastle

Jarrow (adj.)

An agricultural device which, when towed behind a tractor, enables the farmer to spread his dung evenly across the width of the road.

Jarrow

Harbledown (vb.)

To manoeuvre a double mattress down a winding staircase.

Harbledown

Sadberge (n.)

A violent green shrub which is ground up, mixed with twigs and gelatine and served with clonmult (q.v.) and buldoo (q.v.) in a container referred to for no known reason as a 'relish tray'.

Sadberge

Glinsk (n.)

A hat which politicians but to go to Russia in.

Glinsk

Corriedoo (n.)

The crucial moment of false recognition in a long passageway encounter.
Though both people are perfectly well aware that the other is approaching, they must eventually pretend sudden recognition. They now look up with a glassy smile, as if having spotted each other for the first time, (and are particularly delighted to have done so) shouting out 'Haaaaaallllloooo!' as if to say 'Good grief!! You!! Here!! Of all people! Will I never. Coo. Stab me vitals, etc.'

Corriedoo

Rochester (n.)

One who is able to gain occupation of the armrest on both sides of their cinema or aircraft seat.

Rochester

Grimsby (n.)

A lump of something gristly and foultasting concealed in a mouthful of stew or pie.
 Grimsbies are sometimes merely the result of careless cookery, but more often they are placed there deliberately by Freemasons.
Grimbies can be purchased in bulk from any respectable Masonic butcher on giving him the secret Masonic handbag. One is then placed correct masonic method of dealing with it. If the guest is not a Mason, the host may find it entertaining to watch how he handles the obnoxious object.
It may be
 (a) manfully swallowed, invariably bringing tears to the eyes.
 (b) chewed with resolution for up to twenty minutes before eventually resorting to method (a),
 (c) choked on fatally.
 The Masonic handshake is easily recognised by another Mason incidentally, for by it a used grimsby is passed from hand to hand.
 The secret Masonic method for dealing with a grimsby is as follows : remove it carefully with the silver tongs provided, using the left hand. Cross the room to your host, hopping on one leg, and ram the grimsby firmly up his nose, shouting, 'Take that, you smug Masonic bastard.'

Grimsby

Iping (participial vb.)

The increasingly anxious shifting from leg to leg you go through when you are desperate to go to the lavatory and the person you are talking to keeps on remembering a few final things he want to mention.

Iping

Edgbaston (n.)

The spare seat-cushion carried by a London bus, which is placed against the rear bumper when the driver wishes to indicate that the bus has broken down. No one knows how this charming old custom originated or how long it will continue.

Edgbaston

Ullapool (n.)

The spittle which builds up on the floor of the orchestra pit of the Royal Opera House.

Ullapool

Farrancassidy (n.)

A long and ultimately unsuccessful attempt to undo someone's bra.

Farrancassidy

Maentwrog (n. Welsh)

Celtic word for a computer spelling mistake.

Maentwrog

Wath (n.)

The rage of Roy Jenkins.

Wath

Kentucky (adv.)

Fitting exactly and satisfyingly.
  The cardboard box that slides neatly into an exact space in a garage, or the last book which exactly fills a bookshelf, is said to fit 'real nice and kentucky'.

Kentucky

Bilbster (n.)

A pimple so hideous and enormous that you have to cover it with sticking plaster and pretend you've cut yourself shaving.

Bilbster