Melton constable (n.)

A patent anti-wrinkle cream which policemen wear to keep themselves looking young.

Melton constable

Framlingham (n.)

A kind of burglar alarm usage. It is cunningly designed so that it can ring at full volume in the street without apparently disturbing anyone. Other types of framlingams are burglar alarms fitted to business premises in residential areas, which go off as a matter of regular routine at 5.31 p.m. on a Friday evening and do not get turned off til 9.20 a.m. on Monday morning.

Framlingham

Ardscull (n.)

Excuse made by rural Welsh hairdresser for deep wounds inflicted on your scalp in an attempt to rectify whatever it was that induced the ardscalpsie (q.v.).

Ardscull

Ganges (n. rare : colonial Indian)

Leg-rash contracted from playing too much polo. (It is a little-known fact that Prince Charles is troubled by ganges down the inside of his arms.)

Ganges

Boscastle (n.)

A huge pyramid of tin cans placed just inside the entrance to a supermarket.

Boscastle

West wittering (participial vb.)

The uncontrollable twitching which breaks out when you're trying to get away from the most boring person at a party.

West wittering

Fulking (participial vb.)

Pretending not to be in when the carol-singers come round.

Fulking

Oughterby (n.)

Someone you don't want to invite to a party but whom you know you have to as a matter of duty.

Oughterby

York (vb.)

To shift the position of the shoulder straps on a heavy bag or rucksack in a vain attempt to make it seem lighter.
 Hence: to laugh falsely and heartily at an unfunny remark. 'Jasmine yorked politely, loathing him to the depths of her being' - Virginia Woolf.

York

Swanage (pl.n.)

Swanage is the series of diversionary tactics used when trying to cover up the existence of a glossop (q.v.) and may include (a) uttering a high-pitched laugh and pointing out of the window (NB. this doesn't work more that twice); (b) sneezing as loudly as possible and wiping the glossop off the table in the same movement as whipping out your handkerchief; (c) saying 'Christ! I seen to have dropped some shit on your table' (very unwise); (d) saying 'Christ, who did that?' (better) (e) pressing your elbow on the glossop itself and working your arms slowly to the edge of the table; (f) leaving the glossop where it is but moving a plate over it and putting up with sitting at an uncomfortable angle the rest of the meal; or, if the glossop is in too exposed a position, (g) leaving it there unremarked except for the occasional humorous glance.

Swanage

Tulsa (n.)

A slurp of beer which has accidentally gone down your shirt collar.

Tulsa

Emsworth (n.)

Measure of time and noiselessness defined as the moment between the doors of a lift closing and it beginning to move.

Emsworth

Hastings (pl.n.)

Things said on the spur of the moment to explain to someone who comes into a room unexpectedly precisely what it is you are doing.

Hastings

Scranton (n.)

A person who, after the declaration of the bodmin (q.v.), always says,'... But I only had the tomato soup.'

Scranton

Humber (vb.)

To move like the cheeks of a very fat person as their car goes over a cattle grid.

Humber

Duddo (n.)

The most deformed potato in any given collection of potatoes.

Duddo

Huby (n.)

A half-erection large enough to be a publicly embarrassing bulge in the trousers, not large enough to be of any use to anybody.

Huby

Peebles (pl.n.)

Small, carefully rolled pellets of skegness (q.v.)

Peebles

Glossop (n.)

A rouge blob of food.
 Glossops, which are generally streaming hot and highly adhesive invariably fall off your spoon and on to the surface of your host's highly polished antique-rosewood dining table. If this has not, or may not have, been noticed by the company present, swanage (q.v.) may be employed.

Glossop

Corrievorrie (n.)

Corridor etiquette demands that one a corriedoo (q.v.) has been declared, corrievorrie must be employed. Both protagonists must now embellish their approach with an embarrassing combination of waving, grinning, making idiot faces, doing pirate impressions, and waggling the head from side to side while holding the other person's eyes as the smile drips off their face, until with great relief, they pass each other.

Corrievorrie

Nazeing (participial vb.)

The rather unconvincing noises of pretended interest which an adult has to make when brought a small dull object for admiration by a child.

Nazeing

Clovis (q.v.)

One who actually looks forward to putting up the Christmas decorations in the office.

Clovis

Flodigarry (n. Scots)

An ankle-length gabardine or oilskin tarpaulin worn by deep-sea herring fishermen in Arbroath and publicans in Glasgow.

Flodigarry

Yarmouth (vb.)

To shout at foreigners in the belief that the louder you speak, the better they'll understand you.

Yarmouth

Throckmorton (n.)

The soul of a departed madman: one of those now known to inhabit the timing mechanism of pop-up toasters.

Throckmorton

Motspur (n.)

The fourth wheel of a supermarket trolley which looks identical to the other three but renders the trolley completely uncontrollable.

Motspur

Albuquerque (n.)

A shapeless squiggle which is utterly unlike your normal signature, but which is, nevertheless, all you are able to produce when asked formally to identify yourself. Muslims, whose religion forbids the making of graven images, use albuquerques to decorate their towels, menu cards and pyjamas.

Albuquerque

Clun (n.)

A leg which has gone to sleep and has to be hauled around after you.

Clun

Hassop (n.)

The pocket down the back of an armchair used for storing two-shilling bits and pieces of Lego.

Hassop

Sproston green (n.)

The violent colour of one of Nigel Rees's jackets, worn when he thinks he's being elegant.

Sproston green